In May 2019, I made the decision to risk it all, to change my everyday life and go in search of a new way life that better suited who I am, but before I could do that, I needed to figure out exactly who that was.
It has taken me a year to get to this point, and that doesn’t even factor in all those years before I debated, coasted, or prepared myself, but it all contributes to this moment now, and at this point I am only at the beginning, but the point is, I finally feel ready.
Since as long as I can remember it has always felt like something has held me back. I was thirteen when my train of thought changed, I guess if I had to explain the feeling, it was when passion entered my life. I started writing not because I was told to (schoolwork etc), I just had a story that I wanted to tell, and as I began putting it to paper it was a sense of joy that I hadn’t experienced before. I was excited, things were brighter and bursting of colour, and other parts of my life started to fall in comparison; passion took control.
Now, that was a long time ago, and passion doesn’t always have a front row seat in your life unless you work at it, and I never really knew where to place mine. I guess I knew what I wanted to do with it, and from a realistic view point, it always seemed to be an unrealistic goal, but deep down I am a tenacious, headstrong, and defiant ball of energy, therefor no matter what entanglement I found myself in, I always came back to the thought of what it would be like to bring my passion to life.
I toiled with this notion, I let my mind wander and wonder for quite a while, because knowing what you want and knowing what to do with that is, well, there is a lot space between those two clarities, and if you rush, ignore, or wait, you will be no closer in finding the answers that get you from point A to point B, that is why I wanted to take my time, and find a path that would work for me. When I decided to start, I knew that it would be gruelling, and for quite a while it would take from me before I started seeing anything in return. What made this worse is that I have an analytical mindset, which basically means, you can’t just tell me the clock works, I have to take it apart and see what every cog does before I put it back together, just for it to work exactly the same way it did before. This is a similar representation of what I have done with myself, I broke everything down, just so I could piece it back together and carry on what I was already in the process of doing.
I had to see how I worked, why I worked, and what my work is all for, I had to bring the purpose into my passion.
I have always said to myself; I don’t want to be a part of something just so I am there, I want to contribute. I want to bring something that only I can, otherwise what’s the point, if someone else is doing it then it has already been done. I want to write for the right reasons, to make a difference. In For My Thoughts, there is a reference to finding ‘identity of self’ quite a few times, because I believe introducing yourself as a writer raises more questions than it answers, especially when you’re in the process of writing, and peoples opinion on that can really effect the opinion that you have for yourself, which can create an identity crisis, and this is why I had to know what it was all for.
Most of the above is about searching and finding and not being discouraged when it takes a little longer than you thought it would, for me getting here has taken the better part of a decade, but I’m here, if that isn’t something to be proud of, then I don’t know what is. I know my reason, I know my purpose, and now, my passion isn’t in the front row, it is centre stage, so, when I say I am ready, being at the beginning of my journey doesn’t scare me at all, because I know what it is all for.
If you have something you love more than life itself, don’t turn your back on it, because you deserve much more than that. You only get one life, live it.